When Someone You Love Is Hurting

Start with what not to do, because most of us default to it. Do not rush them toward being okay. Do not compare their loss to someone else's. Do not offer a theological explanation for their suffering; even when a statement is technically true, timing turns it into a weapon. And do not disappear because you are afraid of saying the wrong thing — disappearing is the wrong thing.

Now the useful part. Ask and then listen. Do you want advice, or do you want me to just listen? is one of the most helpful questions a teenager can learn. Say the simple true things: I am sorry, that sounds awful, I am glad you told me. Then let silence exist without filling it.

Show up in specifics. Not let me know if you need anything, which puts the work back on the person who is already struggling. Instead: I am bringing you lunch Thursday. I will sit with you at the game. I will text you every morning this week. Small and concrete beats large and vague every time.

There is a line you need to know. If your friend tells you something that involves being hurt, being unsafe, or wanting to hurt themselves, that is the moment to bring in a trusted adult — a parent, pastor, school counselor, or teacher. You can tell them you are doing it because you care about them. Keeping that kind of secret is not loyalty; it is more weight than either of you should carry.

In the United States you can call or text 988 to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, any hour, for yourself or for someone you are worried about.

Finally, watch your own tank. Carrying a friend's pain is real work, and you are not their counselor. Tell someone how it is affecting you, keep praying for them by name, and remember that the God who is with them is with you too.